Major Acid's E-Rag
It Strikes Me...
That Breasts Are Rising
Editor’s Note:
The Major tells me this particular opinion piece was written when he
realized the extent of “the problem.” In his own words, he says the
final straw was an article in “The National Post buried on page
A2, in a Monday edition.” In case you doubt his veracity, the paper in
question was published on March 29, 2004.
Among the grave and
readily apparent dangers of the world today – suicide bombers and killer
diseases, for example – now rises unexpectedly that most deep seated
fear of mankind – breasts.
Breasts. We all have
them, although in reading the word, whether you are man or woman, you
automatically thought of a woman’s breasts, didn’t you. Be honest, no
one is looking as you read this.
At the last Superbowl,
Janet Jackson’s right breast clearly demonstrated what many have long
suspected – breasts are alive. No, I don’t mean part of a living
being. I mean they are alive. They may even be sentient. Jackson’s
breast gave the whole species away by escaping layers of costume,
lunging for freedom, thrusting into our collective consciousness like
those long ago suffragettes hurling themselves under the hooves of
thoroughbred horses.
The reaction to this
sudden discovery of what are sometimes coldly referred to as “mammary
glands” was as swift as it was predictable. Bible belt wearing
Americans went berserk, and a new (and undistinguished) high in
America’s current “purity crusade” was reached.
There may be sex on
“Sex in the City,” but that show is now history, and in deepest, darkest
America, where Creationism is moronically thought of as Science, the end
of “Sex” has come none too soon. In its place are seven second delays
on music award broadcasts, pathetic attempts to hide from gratuitous
displays of flesh in between bestowing laurels on thugs disguised as
musicians.
You might think that
Canada would be immune from such American paranoia, but that’s not true.
It’s not that we don’t have our own bible belt fanatics around because
we do. Quite a number of them are masquerading as newly resurrected
Tories at the moment; former Reform party members who will tell you that
there’s nothing wrong with gays, for example – unless the uppity scum
want to get married, at which point Shari’a law, with its stonings and
beheadings, seems like a viable response.
What is surprising,
however, is that this latent, pathological fear of breasts has reared
its hoary nipple, I mean head, in the midst of the NDP.
Let me be frank – I am
not a great fan of the NDP. They are unabashedly collectivist in their
philosophy, whereas I yearn for individual freedom and individual
responsibility. So I do have a point of view for you to remember while
you digest this startling bit of news – the NDP wants you to submit your
breasts to the control of the federal government in the guise of a
registry just like the gun registry
If your breasts had
legs, they should be running scared.
Personally, I’m
appalled. The NDP wants you to register your breasts like owners of
guns are supposed to register their weapons. This despite the
depressing fact that a trivial exercise in creating a simple database of
owners of weapons has ballooned to over a billion dollars spent and
counting.
Even worse than the
money wasted, however, is the related legislation. Weapons must be
locked up, and ammunition too, in separate “secure” facilities. Some
aboriginals may be exempt, for subsistence (called cultural) reasons.
Otherwise, they are all locked up.
If the NDP has its way,
breasts will be registered, too. Oh sure, they say now that they only
mean breasts that have received implants, breasts so yearning to be
noticed that they willingly go under the knife – in other words, breasts
on the hunt. But sooner or later, you know as well as I do that every
breast will have to be registered.
Sooner or later they
will have to be locked up in secure facilities. Women will have to
remember padlock combinations to take their own breasts out to service
them. When transported, breasts and the women wearing them will have to
be safely secured in the trunks of cars, and paperwork will have to be
at hand to satisfy the demands of police who will be on the lookout for
anyone in possession of instruments contrary to public safety and
security.
Oh sure, the NDP says –
now – that they mean breasts with implants should be registered so that
the safety of implants can be tracked. But we know better. Today it’s
breasts with implants – in the name of public health – tomorrow it’s all
breasts, all women’s breasts and all men’s. In the days of Janet
Jackson’s fallout, it seems that, as the saying goes, guns don’t kill
people, breasts kill people.
