Spanish Joe
The World's Only Psychic Groundhog!
Predictions for 2005
Excerpt from The Mid-North Monitor
Wednesday, December 29, 2004 Edition
Spanish Joe predicts new resources for the North
Clairvoyant groundhog predicts Canadian load dropped on Iraq
By HELEN MORLEY
Special to the Monitor
Spanish Joe, the world's only clairvoyant groundhog, says 2005 will be the year for Canadians to celebrate. His other-world predictions come courtesy of his handler Rick Story of Spanish. Story does not hesitate to say that Spanish Joe is much more accurate than any of the other "amateur" groundhogs and he will stand by the little rodent's predictions.
Joe predicts that it will be a profitable year for most of Northern Ontario with the finding that bear droppings have an unusually high concentration of methane. "With the search for new fuel sources an ever present task, it will be cheaper to process the bruin biscuits than chicken manure, and it will prove to be of considerable use as an all-natural source of fuel." He predicts that there will be a major job boost in the area as local people flock to participate in this unusual job opportunity. The only problem he can foresee will be in the collecting of this new fuel since bears are not known to be the most co-operative of beasts. He also mentions that the Ministry of Natural Resources will issue a whole new set of directions for dealing with the bears, which most people will cheerfully ignore.
Spanish Joe says the people hired to follow the bears around to collect their droppings will be told they will have to provide their own equipment, 'pooper scoopers'. Joe adds "as there are an abundance of bears in Northern Ontario finding them and collecting the droppings will not prove difficult. However, bears being intelligent creatures will notice the increased human traffic in the bush and become nervous. Just when the North is prepared to become rich from the bear by-product, the bears will spook and there will be a huge migration of bears south as a result."
This will put a damper on the new fuel for the North until the bears are persuaded to return home, but Joe predicts that an alternate source of revenue will be found when a new recreational drug will also be discovered in the north. "Cross pollination between a government authorized marijuana grow and Ground Hemlock will result in a new plant called 'Ground Hemplock'. It will have its own rather potent medicinal qualities." He goes on to say, "Big Jim Doobie, president of the Northern Ontario Tree Smokers Association, will advocate the daily use of this new northern herb saying, 'smoke one of our trees per day, and all of your cares will float away'."
A related prediction from Spanish Joe is, "a logger, out hunting for his own private stash, will uncover what appear to be human remains north of Massey." He goes on to add that authorities will investigate with the assistance of the Ontario Museum of Natural History and will end up identifying the remains as those of a previously unknown species of early man. They will promptly christen it 'Manis-Massins-Erectos'. Locals in the area will be unimpressed with the scientific findings saying, "You know, there have been strange humans sighted in these woods for over the past century."
Speaking of weird happenings, Spanish Joe predicts that by some strange trick of fate Canada will get directly involved in the Iraqi conflict when Toronto's garbage is mistakenly dropped on that country. "The garbage, destined for Michigan, will get sidetracked and end up at an air force base. Not quite knowing what they are dealing with but assuming it is some kind of new weapon, maintenance workers will load it on a bomber headed for Iraq. The Iraqi insurgents will think they are being bombarded by a toxic substance and will unilaterally surrender. The Americans will of course take credit for this brilliant and daring manoeuvre."
Joe says any predictions for the near year would be incomplete without mentioning politics. His final prediction is "since members of parliament have a habit of getting into trouble, a new law will be enacted prohibiting them from associating with those viewed as undesirable companions, such as strippers, hookers, bikers, the mafia and other members of parliament." He adds, "I have to get back to some serious partying, so I will close by wishing you all a Happy New Year.
Excerpt from The Standard
Wednesday, December 22, 2004 Edition
A groundhog with stories to tell
By Rosalind Raby
Spanish Joe is a groundhog that has many stories to tell. He resides with his spiritual medium, Rick Story, in downtown Spanish. Story recalls how Joe became a part of his family. "Joe lived quite happily in the Ottawa Valley until one sad day when he was run over by a Green peace protest bus," says Story. "Shortly afterwards, Joe was put under my care. "In short order it became apparent that Joe was a little different than other groundhogs.
"He has a direct link to the spiritual world and is able to pass on messages from there, which I interpret." Joe also makes some pretty interesting predictions. That has led to some stardom and plenty of media attention. "We thought The Standard's readers might be interested in seeing what Joe has to say for the upcoming year." "We know the City of has certainly had an interesting year, from all accounts in the paper, so Joe believes the city might see some issues resolved in the New Year." EDITOR'S NOTE: Spanish Joe's predictions should be taken with a box, not just a grain of salt.
Spanish Joe predicts:
- New cottage lots will create lots of new problems for 2005.
- Noise complaints from our wealthy 'new' landowners results in snowmobile, ATV and outboard motor use in these areas being banned.
- Taxes in will also dramatically increase as the new landowners demand paved roads, since the dust makes their BMWs dirty and the installation of street lights because it is too dark at night.
- Animal control will also be greatly enlarged as our new landowners discover the woods are full of animals that clash with their perception of the wilderness.
- They also demand an outpost OPP Station in the new cottage lot area.
- A North Shore inventor will solve smoking bylaw problems in bars and restaurants. A device similar to Maxwell Smart's 'Dome of Silence' crossed with a deep-sea diver's helmet and oxygen tanks will be mandatory for non-smokers to wear while in these establishments. Opposition and new smoking bylaws soon disappear.
"This might seem like a lot of smoke and mirrors to some people, but Joe can be pretty reliable. "He's gone into his seasonal hiatus now, so we won't be able to get much out of him till he wakes up in the spring. "We'll just have to put our trust in his abilities.
"He also wants to wish everyone a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year, so the best of the Holidays to all," concludes Story.
