Spanish Joe
The World's Only
Psychic Groundhog!
Predictions for 2004
Spanish Joe predicts .......
Flooding, UFO's, and diamond mines anticipated
Spanish Joe, the World's only psychic groundhog has some interesting new
predictions for 2004. These are channelled through his owner, Rick Story
of Spanish. Being somewhat deceased apparently gives this astonishing
creature a totally different and occasionally bizarre view of the
future. However, according to Story, Joe is prepared to stand by his
predictions.
Story says that Joe has foreseen large deposits of kimberlite areas in
Massey and Spanish, which will lead to sizable diamond mining
operations. This will be welcome news for the mining industry.
For those who are optimistic about becoming instant millionaires,
Spanish Joe predicts that there will be a $1,000,000 Lotto 6/49 ticket
won in Walford in May of 2004. The population of Walford is expected to
rise in anticipation of this happy event.
Unfortunately for those who love to ride their snowmobiles Joe predicts
that the 2003-2004 season will be cancelled due to the astronomical rise
in insurance rates. He also states that there is a good possibility that
most snow machines will be grounded anyway with the precipitation for
this winter being mainly in the form of rain or sleet. He predicts that
the North will get their real winter some time near the middle of March
but this unexpectedly heavy fall of snow will only lat two weeks. "The
sudden melting of snow this spring will cause some of the worst flooding
in North American history", says Joe. Joe says that Toronto's garbage
trucks returning from northern landfill sites will accidentally return
with a load of black bears that escape in downtown Toronto. This will
lead to a rapid reinstatement of the spring bear hunt. Toronto will also
be featured in the news in the fall of 2004 when migrating geese refuse
to go south for the winter. He says, "because of warmer temperatures the
geese will stay in Toronto leading to massive pollution problems as
their waste builds up. There will also be more people going to the
emergency room as a result of slipping on geese droppings."
Spanish Joe predicts that tourism will increase in the North.
Unfortunately the tourists might not be human. After numerous sightings
of UFO's and strange beings in March of 2004 in the North Bay/Sudbury
area, the Federal Government will build a Northern Ontario UFO
observatory. This expenditure will be viewed as an appropriate use of
Northern tax dollars."
History will prove once and for all that the Japanese could have invaded
North America when low water levels in Lake Huron in August reveal a
WWII Japanese submarine. Joe also says, "this coming summer might not be
the safest time to go into the water as there will be a fresh water
shark attack near Killarney in July."
2004 will be the year that Canadian scientists successfully manage to
clone another human, according to Joe. Scientists manage to clone a
human being, but unfortunately its close resemblance to Jean Chrétien at
every attempt causes them to cancel the program.
Speaking of government bungling, Joe predicts that "Premier McGuinty
will get so carried away at cancelling programs and government services
that he accidentally shuts down the department that issues his paycheque."
He predicts Sheila Copps will make a comeback when she forms a brand new
Canadian party called FOOLS (Friends Of Other Liberals). "This party
will be an instant hit with most Canadians and will go on to win the
next election, proving that truth in advertising really does work."
Excerpt from The Mid-North Monitor
Wednesday, December 31, 2003 Edition
By HELEN MORLEY
Special to the Monitor
